Birthdays, Dating & a Twitter Support Group
This weekend will mark my 46th birthday. I don’t feel 46, or look 46, but I will in fact be 46. I can vividly remember when my mother turned 35 and I thought she was the oldest person in the world. My mother is only 22 years older than I am. I have dated men who were 22 years older than I am, which is just creepy. I am 30 years older than my son and if he ever dates someone my age I am going to lose my mind and hurt someone. By someone, of course I mean the perverted old woman who wants to date my baby.
I feel prettier at 46 than I did at 36, 26, or 16. I am aware of who I am as a human being, a mother, a friend, a sister, and a lover. I have earned every grey hair and every wrinkle. I am not ashamed of my body, my choices, my opinions, my goals, my dreams, or my fears. I am hopeful. I am free. I am scared. Hopeful that the world will be kind to my child and allow him to live his best life. Free to speak my mind and have people who not only fight for my voice to be heard, but encourage me to share that voice.
I am scared that I will live the rest of my life alone because I was not brave enough to allow myself to find love again. I have survived a broken marriage and a broken heart, and sometimes the memory of that broken heart allows my hope to be trumped by fear. I am my best self in a great relationship, but comfortable and happy enough in my life alone that there is no desperate need to have one, only a desire. The sad thing about being alone is that the only way to end that is to date, and dating sucks.
I have been on a few dates with a man I have been calling #2. He is lovely and I am having a good time. He is funny, charming, smart, strong, supportive, and kind. He is also a smart ass and sarcastic. He makes me laugh, think, and flutter. He is also the only man in a very long time that I have had more than one date with. I am old, tired, slightly jaded, and not interested in wasting my time, or anyone else’s, so for me going on a lot of bad first dates is how my dating life has been playing out.